|First appearance||Conker's Bad Fur Day|
- Not to be confused with Security Guards.
The Weasel Guards are two of the Panther King's guards in Conker's Bad Fur Day and its Xbox remake, Conker: Live & Reloaded. Even though they are guards, the Weasel Guards act more like servants because they mainly give into his demands, namely providing Milk to him.
The two Weasel Guards look different from each other. One guard is tall and skinny whereas the other guard is short and fat. Both of them carry spears with a small flag that depicts a crown, most likely the national flag of the Panther Kingdom. Both guards wear a purple shirt depicting the same crown, except the short one's belly is exposed. Both wear pants, each with their own color: the tall one's is green while the short one's is red. Lastly, the tall guard has a steel helmet on his head.
More of the tall one's personality is shown. He is somewhat dumb, which was revealed when he was tricked into believing that Conker is an elephant. The tall guard speaks a lot more than the short one.
One day, a Weasel Guard provided Milk to the Panther King and poured it in his glass. The Panther King placed the glass on his table, which then tipped over as it is missing a table leg. The Panther King roared in anger. After Von Kriplespac concludes that a red squirrel would make a perfect table leg replacement, the Panther King orders his Weasel Guards to find one (which is not shown in a cutscene). They search after Conker, who is a red squirrel.
Just before he enters the Uga Buga chapter, Conker meets two Weasel Guards. The short one is pooping behind a boulder, and the tall one tells Conker to pay a toll in order to pass. Conker annoyingly labels them "mercenaries" and reluctantly hands them over 1,000 dollars in Cash. Conker asks the tall one if he can pass, but the tall guard says that he is not done with him.
The tall guard tells Conker that he is looking for a squirrel and believes Conker perfectly fits their description. Conker lies that he is not a squirrel, and asks what their description is. The tall guard replies that a squirrel is "short, with red fur, a big bushy tail, and a twitchy nose". The tall guard attempts to escort Conker, who demands him to take his hands off. Afterward, Conker tricks the tall guard by swapping the descriptions of an elephant and a squirrel: he claims to be an elephant, and lies about how squirrels are big and gray, have flapping ears, and long trunks for a nose. The tall guard asks if he is sure, to which Conker confirms, and walks off onto the bridge leading to the Uga Buga chapter.
The short guard finishes defecating. The tall guard points out Conker to the short and says that he is not a squirrel but an elephant. The short guard calls the tall one a "stupid twat". Conker then whistles, and his $1000 Cash bundle hops out of the back pocket of the tall guard and back to him.
The Weasel Guards are last seen in the end sequence, after Conker mutilates Heinrich's head. The tall guard admits that him and the others dislike the Panther King, and points out an empty throne. Conker hesitates of becoming king but is forcefully dragged into the position. The tall guard says "Long live the king!", to which him and the other characters repeatedly chant. The two Weasel Guards retain their role as guards of the king, who is now Conker. They are also seen in the intro, when Conker introduces his "bad fur day".
The Weasel Guards appear in most of Game Over sequences. In the one from if Conker is knocked out, the tall guard says to the small one that they won't be getting "duct tape" anymore. This reveals that Panther King once threatened them with duct tape like he did with Kriplespac. They appear in three other Game Over sequences, and in every one they drop a sack with Conker's remains on the floor. Their description of the sack and its look differs in each sequence. If Conker has a bloody death, the tall one describes the sack as "a bit messy". If he dies from drowning, he says the sack is "a bit soggy". Lastly, if Conker dies from fire, the sack is described as "a bit frazzled".